How I Realised My “Love” Might Just Be Limerence
It all started on a rainy Tuesday when I was waiting for a chai in a dhaba near my office. A new colleague, let's call him Rahul, walked in, laughed at a joke I made, and we exchanged a quick "good morning". The next day his WhatsApp pinged – "Morning!" – and I swear my heart jumped. I kept checking my phone, waiting for his next message, and every time he didn’t reply, I felt a little emptier, a little off‑balance. I started thinking about him while cooking idli‑dosa, while standing in the queue for the metro, even while watching the cricket match. It felt intense, like I was living inside a Bollywood romance, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered: was this real love or something else?
What Exactly Is Limerence?
Back in the 1970s, the psychologist Dorothy Tennov introduced the term limerence to describe an involuntary, obsessive state of romantic desire. According to Dorothy Tennov, limerence is marked by emotional dependence on another person’s reactions – a kind of mental “high” when they notice you, and a low when they don’t. Unlike love, which grows from shared experiences, mutual respect and understanding, limerence lives in the realm of anticipation and need. The focus shifts from who the person actually is to how strongly you feel about the idea of them.
In simple words, limerence is that brain‑fizz — a cocktail of excitement, anxiety, and fantasy, all bubbling together because we are unsure about the other person's feelings. It can happen to anyone, but it often masquerades as love because the feelings are so vivid.
Signs That You Might Be Stuck in Limerence
After that rainy day, I began to notice a pattern that matched what psychologists describe as limerence. Here are the signs I saw, and they might feel familiar to you too:
- Constant thoughts about the person – even when I’m trying to focus on work or cooking.
- Small gestures (like a "thumbs up" on Instagram) feeling disproportionately important.
- When they don’t reply, I feel a sudden drop in mood, almost like withdrawal.
- Day‑dreaming about a future together, despite barely knowing anything about their real personality.
- Ignoring obvious incompatibilities because the fantasy feels so sweet.
- Even after a clear rejection, the feeling doesn’t fade; sometimes it even intensifies.
Notice that many of these symptoms revolve around uncertainty and emotional highs and lows, not a stable, grounded connection.
Why Limerence Feels So Different From Real Love
When I read up more on this, I realised that limerence is a roller‑coaster, while love is more like a steady train ride. Limerence is intense, unstable, and heavily driven by longing and idealisation. The emotional high spikes when the other person gives any sign of interest – a liked meme, a short reply, a smile. But those highs are fragile and may disappear as soon as the other person is busy or forgets to respond.
Real love, by contrast, feels calm after the initial excitement. It builds on acceptance of both strengths and flaws. Even when there’s a disaGreement, the foundation of mutual respect keeps the relationship stable. In my experience, love brings a sense of safety, while limerence keeps you on edge, always waiting for the next cue.
What Makes Limerence So Powerful?
The brain loves uncertainty. When you are not sure how someone feels, it keeps replaying every little interaction, analysing every emoji, trying to decode hidden meanings. This mental loop triggers the reward system – dopamine floods the brain whenever you get a positive cue, creating pleasure and a feeling of motivation. When that cue disappears, dopamine drops, and you feel a slump. This cycle of hope and disappointment keeps you hooked, much like playing a mobile game that rewards you with points for a few seconds and then leaves you wanting more.
In Indian daily life, this can show up when you keep refreshing someone's WhatsApp status, waiting for a “seen” tick, or scrolling through their Instagram Stories to catch a glimpse of their day. Each small sign feels like a treasure, feeding the limerence loop.
Why Some People Are More Prone To Limerence
Psychologists say that people with an anxious attachment style are especially vulnerable. Those individuals crave closeness but also fear rejection, making them cling to any uncertain relationship for emotional security. If you grew up with unmet emotional needs – say, a parent who was often away for work or a sibling who needed constant attention – you might find yourself seeking validation in the form of limerence.
In my own family, I saw my aunt constantly scrolling through her ex‑partner’s social media, hoping to find any sign that he still cared. That behaviour is a classic example of how past gaps can push us towards limerence, because the mind tries to fill the emptiness with an intense, albeit imaginary, connection.
Our digital age only makes it easier. Social media provides a constant stream of the other person’s life, but without real‑time conversation. You end up analysing their “liked” posts, trying to read between the lines of a story caption, and the more you do, the deeper the limerence gets.
Can Limerence Turn Into Real Love?
This is the big question that many of us ask: will this obsession ever become something stable? The truth is, limerence can fade – sometimes within months, sometimes over several years – especially when the uncertainty clears up. When either person directly rejects, or both people finally have an honest conversation, the mental fog lifts, and the fixation weakens.
In some rare cases, limerence does evolve into love, but it needs a shift from fantasy to reality. Both people must start seeing each other as they truly are, not as idealised versions. That means spending real time together, talking about real problems, and accepting each other's flaws. If that happens, the emotional intensity can settle into a deeper, more secure bond.
However, most of the time, once the illusion cracks, the feeling simply fades away. It’s like a festival firecracker – bright and loud for a moment, then it’s just ash.
How To Break Free From Limerence
When I realised I was stuck, I tried a few practical steps that helped me regain balance:
- Create distance: I stopped checking his social media every five minutes. I even muted his stories for a while.
- Shift focus: I started investing time in hobbies – gardening on my balcony, learning to cook butter chicken, and joining a local cricket club.
- Talk to friends: Sharing my feelings with close mates gave me perspective. They reminded me that I am worth more than a few messages.
- Mindful breathing: Whenever I felt a sudden low after a missed reply, I did a quick breathing exercise to calm the heart rate.
- Seek professional help: If the pattern repeats, a therapist can help uncover deeper attachment issues.
These small changes, though simple, slowly rewired my brain. The dopamine spikes became less dependent on someone else’s attention, and I started feeling content with my own routine.
Key Takeaways
To sum it up, limerence is a powerful, often misunderstood state that feels like love but is mostly driven by uncertainty, idealisation, and emotional dependence. It can affect anyone, especially those with anxious attachment or unmet emotional needs, and social media can amplify it. While limerence may sometimes mature into genuine love, most of the time it fades once reality becomes clear.
Recognising the signs, creating healthy boundaries, and focusing on personal growth are essential steps to move from a fleeting obsession to a more grounded, fulfilling life.
